and yes you do look cool and
by the floodlights so blue
you make my tropical apartment bed,
your sacrificial pool
my body in the water
and my heart is in your hand
so this is the way you choose to send
me to the judgment land
so you can’t move
— Alejandro Escovedo, Sex Beat lyrics
I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m at the end of my tether. This is cheap therapy, and maybe reading this (my few followers) will help you feel better about your lot. Or not.
I am 28 years old and in university for an BAS in Biology (with the illusion of applying to optometry school). Well, except for this semester, when I had to drop my online classes because my family cut off internet (also meant I could not receive financial aid). I am living with my family, but hoping to move out in November. I negotiated a good deal with a landlord, but everything is contingent on my having the money for first/last month rent, pet deposit, deposit, & application fee, which I will not have unless I can sell my old car (on the market since July). I had to buy a car in July as my 1994 Saturn sedan started having shifting problems (might be transmission). I received a good loan from my credit union, but I am still paying $413/mth. My insurance went from $68/mth to $125/mth. I essentially lost my job (retained as a PRN employee) at the hospital I had worked at for 8 years. Luckily, I spoke to an old director at a larger company hospital campus & was hired/transferred directly there as a full time nurse’s aide. I’ve worked there for over a year, and it is a soul-crushing, heavy labor job where each CNA has 20+ patients as the norm with very little RN/LVN assistance. We work 12 hour shifts, but are frequently there 14 hours or more to finish. We are basically cheap slave labor. This job is a 40 minutes (each way) drive from where I live. Gas is costing me $60 every week (or $120 every two weeks). I pay my family $400/month in rent. Since I’m working overtime, I can earn $900 every two weeks. I am seeing a dermatologist, which is costing me another $400/mth as she was the only one taking new patients, but is out of network. I will have to stop seeing her because I’m getting NSFs every month. Right now, if it weren’t for my family, I couldn’t afford to live. However, there is high tension between us, and I need to move out. I am behind in several bills, thoroughly stressed, burned out, depressed, and hopeless. My life feels like a ticking time bomb & I’m running out of time quickly.
I have no idea what to do, except pray & keep working. That’s all I can do.
Mietras pasa el tiempo
La ciudad va hacia su ocaso.
Con sus tristezas y alegrías de todos los días.
Con sus historias de luna que se desprenden del mar
Y van subiendo a lo alto buscando el cielo de un verano.
Con las melancolías invernales que caen con las lluvias
Y en los rincones de mi alma rodada, me hacen llorar.
Con una esperanza teñida de desconsuelo.
Con voces que se repiten en cada despedida,
mientras va pasando el tiempo.
“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way."